82 minutes of remorse

Nicole Richie turned herself in to jail yesterday, and turned herself right around 82 minutes later. Eighty-two minutes is barely enough time for the dank prison air to hit your lungs, but apparently it was enough time to deem Nicole a "cooperative" inmate. Of course she was cooperative. I hear claustrophobia doesn't set in until the 83rd minute.

So, to commemorate her 82 minutes, I offer you a list of 10 activities that can be accomplished within 82 minutes' time.

1. Get a manicure, pedicure, and allow adequate time for drying
2. Renew your license on a busy day at a Manhattan DMV
3. View the Simpsons movie (exact running time, 82 minutes)
4. Go to the dentist, get X-rays, a cleaning, and travel back home
5. Knit an infant-sized hat
6. Fly from New York City to Nantucket, and collect your luggage
7. Wait for a table at Nobu
8. Watch two episodes of Top Chef, if you fast forward the commercials
9. Play a leisurely game of Scrabble
10. Read the important parts of Nicole's book The Truth About Diamonds, at least twice

Karl, I hardly knew ye

"Mom, who is Karl Rove?"
I shouted this question into my cell phone about five years ago, just moments after completely Columbia University's Graduate School of Journalism written exam. The exam is part of the school's application process, and involves essays, grammar tests, and an identification portion, which included a list of news makers from the previous year; your task was to identify each person, place or thing as thoroughly as possible in the time allotted. Having a pretty good memory for these things, I made my way through the list with relative ease, smug in the knowledge many of the other test takers were clearly having difficulties. In the end, there were only two names for which I did not have a clear answer. The first: Lee Bollinger. Since the Enron scandal was still unfolding at the time and since I was not in any way capable of willing my brain into absorbing the names of everyone involved in the Enron scandal, I assumed Mr. Bollinger must be one of the many players, and so I scrawled, with only seconds left, "individual implicated in the Enron scandal." Ironically, Lee Bollinger was the newly appointed president of Columbia University (this gaffe did not keep me from being admitted to the school, I might add).

The second person? Yes, Karl Rove (or, according to my exam, "another individual implicated in the Enron scandal"). For the record, my mom had to go to the computer and look him up; at the time he wasn't infamous only in small circles. For the last five years, every time I hear the name Karl Rove, I immediately remembered that he made up 50% of my errors on identification portion of my entrance exam. Instead of his name connoting is own failures, it only reminded me of mine--even if there was some humor and irony to be had in both mistakes.

So goodbye, Karl Rove. This is the end of an era--for both of us. As they say, thanks for the memories.

Have fun pooping yourself skinny

So, people here in my office are swapping Alli horror stories. Stories of eating breakfast, and OOPS! .... stories of sitting in a meeting, and OOPS! Friends: When the manufacturer suggests that when taking Alli you wear black to the office, that you bring a change of clothes, DO YOU THINK THEY ARE KIDDING?

At any rate, I'm glad some people in my circle tried it. It was good for a laugh.

It's time to move on

Lee Woodruff today posted an astute essay, "Silent sufferers and walking wounded -- the brain injured," the link for which you'll find below. Lee's husband Bob Woodruff suffered from traumatic brain injury in January 2006 was injured when an IED exploded next to his APC in Iraq, and in this piece, Lee writes candidly and succinctly about TBI, and the need for the field of neuroscience to better understand TBI.

Although I am fairly confident that Lee's purpose in writing this essay was to focus on the need for a greater understanding of TBI, something different stuck a chord with me. Consider the following points from Lee's piece:
"The vast numbers of people returning from the war with these injuries, an estimated 15-30 percent of the 1.5 million cycling through Afghanistan and Iraq, are helping to redefine what we collectively know about brain injury."

And then: "At the same time we are tackling our veterans' care and demanding sufficient cognitive rehabilitation, we need to remain focused on the other Americans who are suffering from this disease. Only then will we be able to better understand how to help the legions of silent sufferers.

And only then will we be able to best serve those brave Americans who have so generously served us. There is a plaque in the cemetery at Iwo Jima in Japan, 'They gave of themselves today so that you could have your tomorrow.'"

What am I getting at? This understanding-- of TBI, of having "your tomorrow" -- all of this can only be accomplished when we move past the point that we probably shouldn't be in Iraq anyway. We are there, and many, many brave men and women are fighting because the rest of us don't want to. It's time to move past the politics of hindsight and stand behind the soldiers and reporters who are in Iraq, heading to Iraq, or have just returned home.

If there is going to be some upshot of this war, if, like Lee is suggesting we stand to improve veteran's rights, and encourage the scientific community's understanding of TBI, then I'm all for it. But sadly, I don't feel we will get anywhere past the chatter of an optimistic few until the many cynics figure out that our soldiers aren't baby killers; they're doing a job that the majority of us never want to have.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-woodruff/silent-sufferers-and-walk_b_58706.html

These phrases, and those who use them, should be banned

"Word to the wise" Naturally, I will be compelled to make a habit of doing the opposite.
"At the end of the day..." This meaningless preface is used by politicians and others riding high horses in an attempt to erase all arguments that have come before. It doesn't work.
"Movers and shakers" I despise these people and those who acknowledge them.
"It's all good" Used by people self-righteously trying to throw a fire blanket over an argument, serves only to negate the existence of anything good in the world.
"Easy tiger" This is a soft "shut up" that makes me wish I was in fact a tiger and could claw you.
"I'm more than happy to" Swap more with less, and you have a true statement.
"By the by...." A prepositional mess that makes no sense and serves no purpose other than to delay the topic you intend to broach.
"Lots of moving parts" A flimsy excuse for why something is not getting done, and that something always tends to not have many "parts," nor do they really "move."
"Largely succeeds in..." Either it succeeds, or it doesn't. Please commit.
"Wait for it..." In the time you have made me wait, I have decided your punchline will be no more original than this filler.
"Hit the gym" You are much less likely to see the results of the gym on a person who does this than on a someone who goes to the gym.
"At this moment in time" As if the outlook would be different at any other time.
"I just wanted to give you a heads up" Because you now you know you are about to be f-cked, but somehow you should be less angry.
"Whatever..." Quite possibly the most dismissive reaction a person could have to words coming out of my mouth. A more efficient way of saying that you don't give a shit.
"did you get my...." If you have to ask, you know the answer. I did, and I don't care to respond.
"X is the new Y" Nothing is new anymore, and don't even get started counting the layers of irony to decide how meta this thing is.

Is this where I act surprised?

The House of Representatives today passed H.R. 180, the Darfur Accountability and Divestment act of 2007 by an overwhelming majority of 418 to 1.

Which begs the question, WHO IS THE ONE PERSON WHO VOTED NO?

He is Texas Republican Ron Paul.

Apparently, Congressman Paul --who is running for President-- doesn't feel the need to establish a federal list of culpable companies doing business with Khartoum, as H.R. 180 will do. Ron Paul does not believe that there should be a bill that prohibits federal contracts with companies doing business with Khartoum, and Ron Paul does not believe in authorizing states to divest from offending companies.

Here's another lovely thought: Genocide-loving Ron Paul sits on the subcommittee for International Organizations, Human Rights and Oversight.

So for all four of you out there reading this, I urge you to call Ron Paul at 202.225.2831 and tell him you think he's a immoral, baby-killing heathen who should be given a one-way ticket out of the human race, unless he cleans up his act.

I wish I could rearrange my cochlea, then I wouldn't have to hear you

There is someone within earshot of me who makes me want to gouge my eyes with a spoon. I'm compelled to share the reason why.

Beyond engaging in annoying but harmless activities, such as posting mutually unattractive boob-to-boob portraits of herself and her friends on her Facebook page, and claiming a certain recently rehabbed actress' ex-boyfriend as her "good friend" (I'm pretty sure they only met once, and he doesn't return her calls, from what I can tell), this person's accent is beyond irritating.

Although there's a clear subset of the NYC population who talks like this, the accent in question has no clear geographical ties. One friend did point out that it seems to be "distantly related to Long Island in some way," and I believe this to be true. I also think that if you speak with this brand of affected diction, chances are you are well under 30 and have recently walked through the Meatpacking district with your skirt askew. It turns the word "happy" into something like "haughpy," and natch, is a speech pattern oft-accompanied by heavy eyeliner and aggressive highlights.

If you still can't call it up, my friend hit the nail on the head: "[it's] the voice of self-importance - too much inflection on every word as if you are telling a really fascinating story when just relaying which bodega has the best salad options."

I've heard enough.

3 things on my mind

Filthy Cabs
You know that indentation behind the cab's inside door handle? I saw one this weekend that really did resemble a petri dish. And there was enough garbage on the floor to make one think that the cab was used as a float in the Puerto Rican Day parade. If this happens to you, I implore you: Do not tip the driver. No one should feel like they need to be autoclaved when they get out of the car. And for the love of God, Mr. Cab driver, how about investing in a package of Pledge Wipes? Anything would help.


Your leggings
July is in full swing, the humidity is through the roof. What to wear, you wonder? If the answer is leggings, I'd like to say the following to you:
Lady, it's 90 degrees out. Those leggings? I want to use my stiletto to rip them off your sweaty limbs. Save leggings for winter!




Buttered toast
Do you know how hard it is for a line cook to butter toast? Apparently, it very, very difficult. It backs the whole kitchen up. Or so the latest wave of waiters and waitresses would have you think. It's not like I'm asking you to cut my crusts off (full disclosure: it's crossed my mind) -- I'm asking you to finish the job you started. Toast, in typical American breakfast establishments, is made up of one part bread, one part butter. When you don't butter it in the kitchen, the bread is too cold to melt the butter once its made its way to my table five minutes later. And the rest of my food gets cold as I try to finish the job you started. Can we please work on this?

Harry Fodder: There really are no words for this

There is so much that is wrong with this photo, I don't know where to begin. This photo is from the new issue of Details. As my gay friend just said, "If you aren't gay, you really shouldn't pose for Details. Wait, let me rephrase: You really just shouldn't pose for Details." I'm not sure what chemical will erase this from my mind's eye, but I need to get a hold of it, and fast.

iWant my iPhone

I've been away for a week, so I've managed to avoid most of the iPhone hype. No longer.

iWant my iPhone.

On Sunday, iVisited the Apple store, iFooled around with the iPhone, and iFound it to be everything iWanted it to be, and more.

iNeed it, and iNeed it soon. Stay tuned.

A curious connection: Wikipedia, Chris Benoit and Floyd Landis

Fox News just reported the latest twist in the Chris Benoit homicide/suicide: That an anonymous user operating from a computer in Stamford, CT (home base for the WWE) posted an entry to Chris Benoit's Wikipedia biography announcing the death of Chris' wife Nancy some 13 hours before the authorities in Georgia found her body. http://www.foxnews.com/printer_friendly_story/0,3566,287194,00.html

The posting reads: “Chris Benoit was replaced by [Johnny Nitro] for the ECW Championship match at Vengeance, as Benoit was not there due to personal issues, stemming from the death of his wife Nancy.”

At first brush it would sound like Chris posted to his own site: but he could not have since he was in Georgia and the post originated from a computer in Connecticut. It begs the question: Did Chris alert someone at the WWE earlier than what the WWE claims?

While this instance of Wiki sleuthing could possibly work against the folks at the WWE, who've already taken heat for memorializing the death of Chris during the early hours of this case, one person who's benefited from the site's open-use policies is beleaguered Tour de France winner-turned alleged doper Floyd Landis.

Landis invoked the "Wiki Defense," actually posting his entire defense online in the hopes that experts in the fields of chemistry, law, statistics, etc., would come to his side -- and they did. Prior to his Wiki Defense, Floyd was a guilty long before the world understood the difference between and A and B sample; now he seems to have genuine hope that his name will be cleared.

Online communities, and Wikipedia in particular, have come under fire repeatedly in newsrooms and classrooms alike, as these cyberspaces are more easily sourced than they are policed. It seems clear, however, that the time has come for even the naysayers to take note. While these sights may not be the perfect organ for reporting, they definitely can no longer be ignored.

UPDATE: Wikipedia user admits changing Benoit entry http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/29/wrestler.ap/index.html

Nancy's little jurists

I can't let the week go by without congratulating Nancy on her new husband and children. Was it hormones that caused her to act so batshit crazy when I was on her show last? I'd like to think so. At any rate, congratulations, dear.

(ed. note: It's been bandied about over the past few days that now that Nancy has found a husband, and dusted off the cobwebs in her uterus, there is hope for us all. My wise friend just reminded me, "I probably would not use Nancy as a baromoter for my life." Touché.

I'm a lover, not a hater....

Which is why I have to ask, is Ann Coulter really that much different from Bill Maher? Really, their shtick is bascially the same. Should we maybe lay off her a little bit?

SPF, WTF?

Why is SPF 15 so hard to find? I walked away from the CVS feeling like a bad person, because I don't want SPF 50, or above. I've been to at least three stores, and no one seems to stock SPF 15, or even 20. (To be fair, I've seen plenty of SPF 4s, but that just seems like a waste of money.) I mean, I don't want cancer any more than the next person, but I don't think it's too much to ask to stock some stuff that lets the sun in, at least a little.

3 things that bother me right now

1. Shar Jackson and her EPT test

To prove she wasn't housing KFed's spawn, Shar took a pregnancy test. The video (I'm not going to contribute to site traffic by adding the link) shows her purchasing the test, walking into her manager's office to pee on the test, then emerging from the waving the negative test like a flag on the 4th of July. If pee falls on an EPT test, but no one is there to see it, did it really happen? In this spirit of erasing this incident from memory, I'd like to say no. And Shar, do you see *anyone* else of even moderate celebrity status behaving this way? You aren't Katie Couric and this isn't your colon. Some things should be left to the imagination.

2. Remember the time Tony Soprano wore shorts, and it angered the "real" Mob? This is sort of like that.

The leader of the free world should not, under any circumstances, wear short sleeved dress shirts. No one should wear them, really, but especially not our Commander in Chief. Why did he do it? Is it a little warm in D.C. today? Well you know what, I hear it's warm in Fallujah right now, and last I checked the Marines hadn't swapped out their uniforms for something more breathable.


3. Sacre bleu, Tony Parker

Tony makes this list not just for looking particularly assy in this photo, and not just because he's castrated himself for Eva Longoria, but because he raps. In French. And he's got not one but two singles on the air. Tony, you're French, we get it. Just please stop rapping about it.